Being a parent is really an honourable thing. But I must say that it is not a task for the weak. It is really difficult to be a parent, especially when you have no control over the “kind” of child you would birth.

It is true that we reproduce after our own kind, but there are great exceptions: some children are nowhere near our kind as their parents. It is as if they came from space, with super different ideologies and character. However, because we ‘birth’ them, we have to accept them as our children (they scientifically came from our reproductive organs).

There are many tips and tricks to be a good parents. Among them is one that I want to address. This tip is something I have noticed many parents are doing wrongly, while expecting good results. This tip and trick is what I call, instructing vs training.

Because the Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go…” and “Children, obey your parents in the Lord…” parents sometimes feel superior over their children. It is understandable if they feel superior. After all, they had to ‘donate’ eggs and sperms in other for ‘big’ heads to find a place in this world. So, we can’t blame them much. However, acting superior with the wrong mindset is very dangerous.

I have noticed that most parents don’t ‘train’ or bring up their kids. They just give them a bunch of instructions as the days go by. This, I say is wrong. It may have worked for some people making them feel powerful as parents, it may have worked for some parents to keep their children’s mouth shut, but I tell you, this way is wrong.

As a parent, you are like a farmer; your input in your crops will determine your output. In as much as you want your child to obey you and be ‘upright’ you have to build them up to become great citizens and adults. Probably better than yourself. How do you do that? You do this through training.

Let me clarify this instructing vs training thing to you all: Let’s take this scenario; Ama’s mum always tells her what to do and when to do it: “Ama, don’t put the water here, Ama, put the charcoal in the coal pot, Ama, pound the fufu, Ama, pour water into the soup, Ama iron your school uniform, Ama, wash your clothes, Ama this, Ama that.”

On the other hand, Yaa’s mother calls Yaa after she had had a good time playing. She says to Yaa, “Yaa, you are a lady, and as a lady, you always have to be smart and neat. Being smart and neat may require one or two things. I will help you with them, but I want to see how you go about it after I tell you now.”

Yaa responds, “Okay Mommy, tell me.” Mother continues, “As a lady, your dress has to be always neat. Make sure it is well ironed before you wear it out of the house, and when you return home, make sure it is not too dirty. Always be neat. As a smart woman also, you have to think fast. You have to think on the spot, and not really wait for people to tell you what to do. Learn hard and observe. There are some things you wouldn’t be taught, but you have to observe them to learn. When I am in the kitchen cooking, I would need you to be around to watch and learn and ask me questions that may be bothering you.” “Okay Mommy.” Yaa responds. “So now, after playing so hard, what do you think you would have to do next?” Mommy questions Yaa. Yaa thinks deeply and says, “I have to go and put the doll down.” “Okayyyy… What else?” “I have to bath the doll and myself.” “Okayyy…And?” “I have to sit down and eat….. [After a long pause] [She shouts] And I have to learnnnnnnn….” “Great job Yaa. That is beautiful. Now go and do what you said.” Yaa responds as she gets up to kiss her mommy, “Okay mommy. Byeeee…”

From the above scenario, we can clearly see the difference between instructing and training. I bet most of us here didn’t know we were doing the former. After all, that has been the norm for a long time. I understand.

As a parent, in as much as you want your child to do what you say, you have to give him the room to remember, recollect, recognize, and redo instructions. Don’t be in the habit of giving your children instructions on-the-go: They would hear and obey you, yes. But most of them will not be able to assimilate it, as the knowledge has been used to perform the instruction, and it is a done deal. “Next instruction pleaseeee…”

What you are to do differently as a parent is to talk often with your child like what Yaa’s mum did. This even gives your child the opportunity to ask questions and clarify their confusion. Not only that, it builds a child and parent bond between you two; it elevates you from being just a “Biological” parent to a friend (which every child needs). Training helps you to know how your child’s brain or thinking pattern works; is your child forgetful? Is he discipline? Does he have integrity, thus doing what he says he will do, and not doing what he promised himself not to repeat? Is your child friendly? Is he able to take instructions? How does he deal with failure (when he forgets or doesn’t do something right)? Are you getting closer to your child? Is he comfortable with you? Does he look into your eyes when he is talking to you? Is he able to ask questions? Are his questions relevant or well framed? These and many more are revealed to us when we train our kids instead of just instructing them as if they were computer softwares.

Your child is a human being, and as a human being he has emotions, he has intellect, and above all he has a WILL. If you try to abuse any of these things, Will, Emotions or Intellect, in your quest to act as a parent, you reduce your child from the family of human beings into something else. Animals may have emotions and intellect, but most of them if not all don’t have a will. So as a parent, if you try to abuse your child by taking their will from them and imposing your will upon them, guess what you are doing? You are making them more of animals than the human beings which they are. Don’t do that! Learn to agree to disagree.

Imposition of parental willshave caused most teens to leave home earlier than they should. It has caused others to alienate themselves from their families. This is because they know within themselves that they are worth something, they see themselves as somebody, but with our foul attitude as parents, we become a constant negative energy telling them that they are nothing but animals (with only emotions and intellect, but NO WILL).

Train up your child!

            Teach them what you know!

                        Allow them to make mistakes, even with your instructions given!

                                    Allow them to ask questions from the mistakes they make, don’t be too cold just because they made a mistake. Fai-lure only lures a person to success!

Training them instead of instructing them helps you to know more than their obedience to your instructions.

            It also helps you to save time and energy (thus, you don’t always have to be around to supervise them. You leave them to make mistakes, trusting that they will make the right choice).

This way of parenting helps build boys into adults very fast: their bodies don’t outgrow their minds/brains. Their mental state becomes strong, they have a good psychological perception about themselves, they have a good link with failure; failure doesn’t scare them, and above all, they feel fulfilled and complete, lacking nothing.

This may be hard for a single parent, but it is doable.

However, fathers, please stay! Your children need you more than you can imagine. Besides, they would have been nothing without your strong, generous sperm. So why are you leaving them to boil down to become just ‘eggs’?

            Mothers, please make the home more conducive for our men to stay at home. You may think you don’t need them because you have your money or something but your children need their fathers. He is their father, even if you don’t see him as your husband anymore. Please make his presence available and okay for the children. A father is the head of a family. And without the head, guess what will happen to you headless people in the house. Chaos!

Instructions are good, but they are better when they are used to train than to command.

Thank you.

P.S: As a parent, the worst thing you can do to yourself is to be self-ish. Parenting requires sacrifice. As a parent, you are like a farmer. If you don’t sacrifice those seeds, your time and energy, your intelligence and experience, you would not have any harvest. But if you sacrifice the seeds and not use them as just a meal, you would rise from a bowl of meal to a room of food.

Sacrifice your time, yourself, your money and resources, your intelligence, your spirituality for your child (seed), and you would reap a bountiful harvest. Because God wasn’t lying when he said that train up a child in the way he should go, and WHEN HE GROWS, HE WILL NOT DEPART FROM IT!

If you don’t want to be with child, then don’t have sex. If you do have sex, expect a child even if you are ‘safe’. And note, NO CHILD IS A MISTAKE! You may make a mistake, but the child is not a mistake. NEVER tell a child that he/she is a mistake, because HE/SHE IS NOT A MISTAKE. Don’t even say that he/she is a product of your mistake. JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Thank you!