(Better a baby in Christ, than an old man in the devil)

Blogging was an interest I had. I remember the excitement I had in me when I first posted a blog post successfully. It was thrilling, it was exciting. It felt like a great accomplishment. But two years down the line, things changed. Or let me say, I changed unfortunately. I guess I became used to getting the inspirations and revelations I was posting that I took it for granted. Like it is said, “the gifts of God are without repentance”, I still had the gift, but what happened to me was that I had lost the fire under the gift. My gift was becoming cold, I was becoming cold. Not worldly, but cold. I couldn’t feel the fire anymore; the fire which used to heat up my meal (gift) was gone. In fact, not that it was gone, I was gone.

I had stayed away from posting on my blog for a while with the excuse that I was going to edify myself more, and then get back to blogging. This was a deception from the pit of hell. Yes, I had the desire to edify myself so that I wouldn’t focus on the numbers my blog was bringing, or not bringing, but rather focus on God, and go in depth with him. I guess like Eve, the devil deceived me with this nice excuse, just to get me far away from the fire (blogging) which I was already in. I now understand the plight of Eve. Eve wasn’t evil. She just wanted more of the good she was already enjoying from God. So when she saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food, and pleasing to the eye [just like Eden, the presence of God], and also desirable for gaining wisdom [like God], she took some and ate it. [Genesis 3:6].

I guess the devil won this one with me. He was able to get me out of the Garden of Eden with this excuse. Mehnn.. like the prodigal son, I wandered the earth. I had left my gift (the torch) and was wandering in darkness (vanity). I was bumping into things, and hurting myself. I was so much in darkness that when someone showed a candlelight, I held on to it as if it was life, forgetting that I had had a whole torch (my gift) which shone brighter and brighter unto dawn.

“Why didn’t I go back for it?” you may ask. That is a good question. I didn’t go back because I was bound by my excuse, “pause blogging, and go and edify. Get back when you are fully edified.” I further deceived myself that I hadn’t left blogging. I HAD JUST PAUSED. This was the worse deception I gave myself. Like every fire, I needed to fan it into FLAMES. Leaving my blog, and going in search of a flame wasn’t biblical at all. Like Eve, I suffered the death of a child (another gift), like Adam, I labored and toiled just to get by, like Cain, I killed a brother (righteousness). It wasn’t pretty. Like Cain with a mark on his forehead, I wandered the earth empty. I was so used to getting that fire before that I didn’t know the path which got me there. I was so used to God’s presence that when I lost it (blogging with inspiration and revelation) I didn’t know how to get back: I knew the feeling, but I didn’t know the path which led to that great feeling (the presence of God).

Someone may say, “But aren’t you a Christian?” I am. I love God. But this experience was tearing me apart… inside. Like the prodigal son, I love my father, but I think the love of something else (the world, experiencing what is out there, curiousity) got in the way, and took over me. I didn’t know how I suddenly fell deep into this pit, but I knew I was in a different place. A place other than the presence of God. Mehnnn… I was dying inside. I was decaying. I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like who I had become. And fortunately for me, nobody knew. Nobody realized the change. “Why?” because I was good at hiding it I guess, or I was so used to the ‘routine’ of Christianity that I could ‘act’ Christian, but wasn’t a CHRIST-ian. Like what Jesus said, “They serve me with their lips, but their heart is far away.”

We all know that the human spirit is the lamp of the LORD. [Proverbs 20:27 NIV] So if your heart/spirit is far away from God, you aren’t getting any light from Him, you aren’t getting any direction from Him. In fact, that scripture makes us know that someone can act Christian, but isn’t led by the Spirit of God. This is what we call hypocrisy. It could be mild (when hidden), or wild (when conscience/conviction is totally lost).

Now I have come back to my LORD. I was tired of not having the presence of God in me. I was reading Christian literature (desserts), I was reading the Bible…. sparingly (tasting the food, but not eating it), and I was out there with friends… having fun, but I wasn’t myself. Like David, I felt like the Spirit of God had left me. I knew He was around… because he used to give me directions here and there… out of mercy, but because I was far away from Him, I couldn’t hear him clearly. I had put another stereo between us, such that when I experience the Holy Spirit speak to me, sometimes, it get thwarted (opposed) by the stereo I had put between us. It wasn’t a pleasant place to be. It is actually like gaining the whole world, and losing your soul. I was losing my soul: I couldn’t feel my emotions anymore. I was praying without emotions, because I couldn’t feel my emotions; I was singing without my emotions, because I couldn’t feel my emotions anymore, unless the song was new to me, then I guess the newness of the song washes over me to get some emotions. But once I get used to the song, all emotions were gone. These songs I was listening to were Gospel songs, yet I couldn’t eat of the food in it, because I was far away, and becoming ignorant of Him.

I tell you, this is not a pleasant place to be. It is like hell, and like the rich man in hell, I am telling you that ‘this hell’ is not a pleasant place to be. Hell is any place without the PRESENCE OF GOD! So if you live on earth without the presence of God, YOU ARE IN HELL. When the presence of God is replaced by the pleasure or desire of earthly things (marriage, childbirth, scholarships, etc) you are in hell… on earth. Not that these things are bad. But find them in God, not outside of God. Outside of God is HELL. You can be a Christian and yet lose God, if you don’t fan into flames His presence in you with constant communion. Strive to always be in the presence of God [Psalm 91:1] no matter how ‘boring’ it may feel. Actually, that boredom when serving God is from your flesh, not from your spirit. Remember, the flesh is always against the spirit. So anything the spirit likes, the flesh will try to oppose it, and make it feel boring or bad. With this, I guess, the more ‘boring’ serving God begins to feel to you, the more you should go deeper in God. Because the boredom feeling is a sign that you are in the right place with God, and on the wrong side of the devil (out of his reach).

21^st August, 2022 was my redemption day, and I praise God for his mercies. Like the man who found the pearl, and went to sell all his properties just to purchase that land with the pearl, I will never leave the presence of God for anything in the world. If I will be in fire, yet with the presence of God like Shadrack, Meshark and Abednego, I will prefer that over all the ‘food in Babylon’, even if it at the King’s table.

The presence of God is all you need. As a child of God, beloved of the Most High, you have no place to be other than in the loving arms of your Father in Heaven. That is the place you ought to be. That is where you will find peace, light, clarity, and truth. He is the epitome of perfection. Don’t trade this for any marriage need on earth. No matter how big your wedding is, no matter how heavy your diamond ring is, no matter how big and flashy your house is, if you don’t have the presence of God, even as small as a mustard seed, YOU ARE WASTED!

Everything you acquire on earth, you will leave behind at your last breath. But if you hold on to God’s presence while on earth, you will spend eternity with Him.

I may come as a messenger giving you this message. Like Jonah, I diverted my journey to Nineveh, and boarded a ship of SELF. I got shipwrecked with others (“I am sorry folks”), and ended up in the belly of a fish (disaster) without the presence of God. For days, I had prayed, I have cried but couldn’t even tear up because I had no emotions. The Lord has had mercy on me, and heard my cry and reach out His hand to rescue me. I AM REDEEMED NOW! Halleluyah. No more am I going to serve Him from my lips; no more am I going to go through the “routine” of Christianity without any substance in me; no more am I going to fake His presence (with my cold gift); no more am I going to think I am better than someone because I am redeemed (he who thinks he stands should take heed LEST HE FALLS). No more am I going to fake anything: IF ‘WHATEVER’ ISNT COMING FROM MY HEART, IF IT ISNT COMING FROM THE HOLY SPIRIT, IF THE WORD OF GOD ISNT BACKING IT, then I am not going to do it no matter the millions it may bring me, be it in the form friends, family, or foes.

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive A HUNDRED TIMES as much AND WILL INHERIT ETERNAL LIFE.” [Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29]

I know that this redemption journey of mine will feel hard because my flesh is going to make it hard (since I am leaving it_ FORGET SELF), but for the joy and glory ahead (Jesus Christ and the Kingdom of God _ FOLLOWING CHRIST) I will ENDURE the cross (any discomfort that may come).

Amen.

#my Confession.