“Why do we need to marry?”

I know that guys would want to get married for many reasons. Among these reasons may be the need to share house chores, have a good home cooked meal, sex, and the need for companionship. But what about we ladies? What is in marriage for us? What is all the pressure to get married about? Is it about the “biological” clock ticking, or what is it? What if the biological clock concept is a lie or it never existed? If there was no ‘biological’ clock, would you still get married? Are you getting married because society says so, or because all your friends are getting married, or just that you are aging?

Permit me to ask, would you want to have kids when you get married? If you do, do you know what it takes to raise them? Do you even know the labor it goes into it to even bring them forth? I am not trying to scare you, neither am I ‘anti-marriage’. I just want to open your eyes to the reality on the ground, and help you quit wearing Hollywood blinders. Also, don’t say that when you get to the river you would cross. No! Every goal is made perfect when it comes with plans.

Did you know that those euphoria feelings you have about the guy when he is around is not long lasting? Do you know that the shelve life of those feelings is at most 2 years? Thus, those feelings which drives you to do crazy things for him will fade after at most 2 years. And then what would you be left with? Yourself! Let me tell you, those feelings are hormonal. It is like a drug. And when you make all your decisions based on what those feelings are telling you, it is like being a drug addict, and trying to steer the course of your life. You will crash. So what do you need to do? This is what I am about to teach you.

Attraction is fine, passion is fine, but when those feelings become so intense that we don’t make logical decisions and reasoning, we are being drugged. And we need to be careful.

“Why do you need to get married?”

Looking back at my own life, I realized that I had want to get married for all the wrong reasons: 1. “It feels good to be in love”; 2. “If feels good to be claimed”; 3. “He takes care of me”; 4. “He listens to me”; 5. “I want to leave home.” Although these reasons may seem valid, yet they were wrong: “What if those feelings go away? What if I don’t feel ‘good’ being in love? What if he can’t ‘take’ care of me anymore, what happens? What if he doesn’t listen to me? What if it is not a big deal to leave home now? You know what, all these reasons I had in other to get married were external. None of them coming from me. Thus, I was empty and needed refilling. But I am the lady, I am the needed one, I am the helper. So why is the needed one becoming needy? Why is the helper needing to be helped or rescued? This is all wrong.

Interestingly, I read Lester Levenson’s book, The Power of Love, and realized that I had gotten it all wrong; “I needn’t seek to be loved. Rather, I need to become Love, and love.” Please do you get me? Lester says that I need to be Love. Like saying, if I were an apple tree, I need to produce apples. I needn’t wait for someone to hang apples on my branches. So like the tree, I need to be the Love tree, and produce Love fruits, whether the other person eats me or not, whether they hate me or not, it shouldn’t affect my fruits, or who I am, a Love tree.

I noticed that like many people, I have desired the Hollywood romance for my marriage. So if he wasn’t doing “this”, I was mad, if he wasn’t doing “that”, I was crazy. No! That is not the way of Life, and that is definitely not the way of Love. I needed to become Love: I needed to become the epitome of Love, such that when they cut me, I bleed Love. And this is easy. It is actually on the borderline of being independent but in a beautiful way. You psych your mind that like your name which never changes irrespective of what is happening on the exterior of life, no matter what people do, no matter what people say, you are going to show forth love, because that is your name. Your name doesn’t change when you have met a mad man nor when you meet the president. Your name is still your name irrespective of circumstances. That should be the same with love. Psych your mind, begin to walk to that effect, sashay when you move about, have a smile on your face. Your source is from within you, not from the exterior. So no matter what anybody does, you are still you, you are still love; to friend or foe.

“Now, what has this got to do with marriage?” you may ask. That is a good question. Having a psyched mind which sees you as Love permanently helps you to not be needy. It also helps you to be the helper you truly are. If makes life easier for you, and you don’t become volatile.  For example, no matter what hubby does to me, I am still me, Love. When he cooks or cleans, when he messes up the room or forgets, I am still me, Love. Does your unfaithfulness changes God’s faithfulness? No! Do you know that God lives in you since you are a BornAgain Christian? Do you know you can be like Christ? Imagine God changes per our actions. Would you be able to trust him? Wouldn’t you see everything (his reactions and even actions) as a product of your input? If this were the case, then you would have been in charge, and he God would be following you like a pendulum. But like the Holy Spirit (helper), wife, you should be in charge. You are a helper for a reason: that man can’t do it on his own, and he NEEDS you, even though he sometimes refuses to admit it.

The proverbs 31 woman is not a fiction. It is you, and you can do it. Like a merchant, bring goods from afar. Many women have become needy, such that when they are looking for a mate, they check to see if he has money. That is not a bad thing, but why are you checking that? Are you checking that to make sure that you can double what he has, or are you checking to see how much you can spend? Where is your helper instinct? What are you coming into the marriage with? What are you coming to help with? What or where are your helper tools?

A man wouldn’t mind if he has all those monies, but a time is coming, and has now come that if another woman shows him something immaterial, something worthy, something called wisdom, you would be pushed to the backseat of the man’s life, and that unique woman would take your place in the front seat by the man (partner, right hand man). Men know what they need, but they may not know it in all its details. But when they see it, they see it. He can be all romantic to you, kiss you in the rain, lay by you at night as you watch a 1000 stars, but if after a while he stills feels ‘empty’ even though you are around, he would be looking elsewhere. That is for sure. That man NEEDS a helper. And like breath, he can’t do anything about it. His rib is missing, and he is LOOKING for it. If you act as a rib, but later finds out you were a metal, he will go find his rib. Don’t play about that.

My lady:

• Can you provide for two (your husband and yourself)?
• Can you be there emotionally for two people, even if you are not refilled or appreciated?
• Can you be there financially for two people, even if you are not refilled or appreciated?
• Can you be there physically for two people, even if you are not refilled or appreciated?
• Can you be there spiritually for two people, even if you are not refilled or appreciated?
• Can you be there psychologically/mentally for two people, even if you are not refilled or appreciated?

If you NEED to be appreciated in other to be refilled or feel that you are doing something, then you aren’t ready as a wife. I am not saying your husband wouldn’t appreciate you or anything like that. After all, who doesn’t appreciate a queen? But if he doesn’t, are you going to be mad? Would you change? Would your “helper tank” get depleted? And even if you need the appreciation that bad, do you know how to ask for it in a respectful tone, or would you demand it since ‘you are his wife’. I can imagine how many of us would hide in our beds if the Holy Spirit was to reveal to us how ungrateful we sometimes are to him.

When you are going to marry, these are the things you need to look out for or ask: “What am I going to contribute to him? Apart from sex, kids, and cooking, where else does he need me in his life? Is he a good ground for me to cultivate my gifts, talents and purpose? Would he hold me up like a lampstand to help my gifts, talents and purpose shine, or would he hide me under a bed? Is he in God?” Note: We are God’s creation, but not all of us are sons. And the Holy Spirit isn’t sent to creations, but to sons, God’s sons. So in the same way, you need to check to find out if that man is in God, since he is going to be your head. If he is not in God, like a creation, he is just a man(clay being). You are Spirit, and you need to unite with spirit. Not someone who is still in his lower self of a clay being. Spiritual compatibility is very important. Also check to see if you both have similar interests, or any interest you can share. Check to find out if your values align? Do your spiritual beliefs and practices align? Are you both willing and open minded to stay together and grow together, or is someone just in for a particular gain, and once gotten vanishes?

In all, I would like to tell you that instead of checking for material things, which are also important, put more emphasis on your spirit’s need, and your soul’s need. These two cannot be touched physically. So when they are in need, or lacking anything essential, the pain they emit is very serious, and dangerous. With or without material things, you can adjust to life, but without those immaterial things (your spirit and soul’s needs) your life will become a whole different game. Pay attention to them more. They shape you!

And last thing before I go, did you know that as a wife, scripture admonishes you to be adaptive to your spouse (husband)? Let’s check it out: “And Adam gave names to all the livestock and to the birds Of the air and to every [wild] beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.”_ Genesis 2:20AMPC

Note: in all your assessment, do not neglect God. Let him lead you, because he knows that man very well. He created him, so he knows him more than even his parents: [1 Samuel 16:7]

Amen

GO AND BE BLESSED.

Amen.