I just realized that I am addicted to men. I want them, I need them, I need their attention and love. I need all of it. I yearn for it. This is bad. Good, but bad. Why? Because it causes me to make men my idols.

Probably, this is why God has kept me unmarried. He knows that with all the treasures (Augustina) he has put in me, should I get a man now, I will trade all those treasures for him. I will sacrifice all my greatness on the tower of manhood.

This is sad, but true. I didn’t realize it until now.

I was having flashbacks to all the moments I have been with my “male friends”, and I realized that I made them my idols: “That moment when he touched my face softly, when he asked to lay beside me in bed, when he offered to carry me down from a top bed, when we ate together, when he gave me all the attention and stayed till 1am to chat with me on phone, and roleplay for all my curious experiments, that moment when he helped me type out some write up, when he bought chocolate for us on Val’s day, when he bought a dress for me from South Africa, when he was teaching me one of his dance moves, when he was ‘begging’ me to go for a beach party with him, when he asked me to cook for him, and didn’t judge my C+ spaghetti meal, when he was playfully peeping at my small tits, when I lay in his bed like the owner, when he hugged me for the first time, when he put his arm around my waist, and that moment he talked dirty to me….” Damn, I remember it all. Idolatry!

I know myself, and I have realized, “I am likely to make a man an idol… to my detriment and disgrace of God IF I don’t kill this desire.”

And would you blame me? Broken home at the age of 8, mother wasn’t present to nurture her child, father too busy to see his daughter, aunties too busy to even spend time with you, stepmom too busy hating you, the world becoming quiet, my words becoming fewer, my frowns and anger becoming thicker. Can you blame me? I can call myself a victim of circumstances, but that ain’t a cute tag.

I have seen the patterns, the narcissistic tree growing in the family from the extended family members, the hardships of men, and the brokenness of women. It seems the world is waiting for me to break this evil chain in the family.

My role models had men issues too. Gosh! What a life? My role models once in their lifetime made men idols. They didn’t listen to the voice of God at a point in time, and it almost cost them their ministries.

Those men saw the light in them, and as victims themselves, the devil used them through their own selfish desires to be a trap to ensnare these great women of God.

When these great women of God realized their mistakes after they had ‘sinned’, they PAINFULLY prayed for God’s mercy and restoration just like King David did. And God, in His great mercy heard them. These role models of mine went on to do great things in the kingdom of God. And guess what, they never married. They stayed totally away from ‘bad’ men, and “married” God.

Can I do the same? Can I stay unmarried? I don’t know. But thank God for wisdom and thank Jesus for emulating humility to us. I have seen the pattern in my role models, and my family, and it’s either like Jesus, I break it; allow myself to be hanged on the cross even though I did no sin, so that the generation coming up will be free FOREVER, or I weakly fall in the slippery pattern the devil has created.

Mehn, it’s tough. Like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, I sometimes cry and tell God to take this cup of suffering away from me. It’s too bitter, it’s painful, it nerves wracking, ‘I did no sin God’¸ ‘Being fatherless and motherless is enough pain already Lord. Let me laugh, let me be free, let me ‘sin’ and have fun too.”

But then I remember my days in the university, when I was in Level 300. I hit my breaking point, I started to fall into this dark pit of nothingness. I remember the words I said while I was going down; “I accept now that I have no friends, I have nobody, I am alone. I accept.” And right when those words came out of my thoughts, I began to come up. I came out as a different person. And it was during this post-dark pit moment that ‘my purpose was revealed to me.’

Everything you see me do now was birthed after I died that day.

I accepted my fate, and God gave me himself. But guess what, after all this great purpose God has given me; ‘becoming a writer, a blogger, a playwright, a choreographer, a fashion designer, etc’ I became too familiar with them, and I guess contempt came along. And now, I am craving men again. And guess what, I am beginning to sink AGAIN.

But this time it’s more painful than before. It seems I am not able to say those words I said back in Level 300. Rather, it looks like the requirement for my redemption this time is for me to shed my skin.

Wooow… I need to intentionally let go. I need to say the Words and mean it. In level 300, I had had said the Words like a child, and God carried me with his mercy and grace. But now, it seems he is saying, “I have shown you so much for you to value more than ‘relationship with men’. I have saved you so much for you to rely on or crave men’s attention. And lastly, I have given you so much for you to just allow it to be sacrificed on the altar of manhood. The world is waiting for you, and you are delaying me with these pitiful cries, and childish hunger of yours. It’s either you ‘man up’ and face the music, forget self, carry the cross and follow me, or like the prodigal son, go your way, and end up eating pigs’ feed.”

Gosh! This is hard. I know the right thing to do, but the right thing feels like death. I know like Jesus, if I allow myself to die to this desire, to self, I will wake up on the 3^rd day anew. But hell, the process feels tough for me. The 3 years of Jesus from 30 (start) to 33 (die) scares me.

I know I must let go, but I am used to letting go when I know the option. I am used to jumping from one man’s rejection to another man’s attention. But now, God is asking me to ‘reject’ the men and follow him. He is not telling me when I will be fed with the bread of His affection.

My name is Augustina. It means treasurer. And yes, I carry a lot of treasures; God has put so much in me. But the devil has put traps in my way to entice me to pick up trash instead of treasures.

But I am going to die to myself, shut my eyes in death, and let the Lord (the Light of the World) lead me out of my darkness.